The battle begins

So as my #1 gets closer and closer to age six I feel like she is turning into a teenager. She has all the crazy mood swings and completely erratic behavior of any teenager I know. What happened to my sweet little five year old? She has disappeared into some lost place that I have no idea about. Does their attitude gradually get worse and worse with each passing year? What is it going to be like when she is actually a teenager.

Days like this I really hate going at the whole parenting thing alone. It makes it insanely harder to be the only one responsible for shaping their characters. I ended up calling in my mother for back up and then when I talked to R later got actually lectured for it. He has this confidence in me that I can do this all on my own. Maybe I can...who knows only time will tell....

On the plus side I did have a lovely chat 

hating the ex

The ex is making me crazy. I seriously want to scream and throat punch him. That would probably only make things worse but it would make me feel so much better. His new game is to make promises just to break them when the time comes to deliver and make the kids cry. I honestly think that he gets entertainment from making my kids cry. It is sick, I dont't understand it at all.

I have to say my children are amazing. They are sweet and locing and well behaved. They are not spoiled, they say please and thank you. They always behave so its not like I have little shit head kids that he is having to deal with. I have even talked to R about it and he doesn't understand it at all. He and his ex wife got divorced when his kids were little so at least I get some insight there.

I don't really know anyone besides the ex who comes from a broken home. I am lucky to be the first in my family to be divorced. Needless to say they were not very supportive of my relationship ending. Most of the time my father seems to think that my kids would be better off with the ex and his whoreish girl friend.

Let me explain a tad about the new whore he is with. This is the twelth girl, that I know of, that he cheated on me with when we were married. She is about twenty years older than him and has six chilren. Her six kids are from five different fathers, the two that have the same father are not sequential in order either. Pretty much a walking sexually transmitted disease. When he got with her I just couldn't take it anymore and I finally left. They have been together since, she is now pregnant with her seventh child and his fourth. It completely makes my stomach turn to think about it. (side note his other child he has never met and is from another girl he cheated with they now live in Texas) His lovely peach of a girlfriend also does not have custody of any of her children, they either live with their fathers or her monther, they range in age from 21 to 2.

This is the crazy shit that I am up against. I don't knw how to reason with these people because they are so obviously off their rockers already.

Play dates...not just for the kids

Yesterday my new single friend A came over for a play date and dinner. I love having single friends, and even better when those single friends have kids! There is something sacred about being able to have an adult conversation with another human, not just the voices rambling around in my head, on a week night. Especially when we have a couple glasses of wine and really really greasy pizza, I'm gonna count that a win. The kids had a great time playing her daughter is just a couple months older than #2 so #1 got to play mother hen and had more than one duckling to order around.

Getting back to having a normal social life is going to be a good thing.

I think that might have been a date

So today was my day off work, and oh it is glorious to have a day off during the week! Normally this would be mom and #2 day but today she had to go to school, they are practicing for the spring performance. So I decided to hang out with B, an old friend from high school. Didn't really think it was a big deal. We went to coffee and then to walk around the Japanese Gardens. About 15 minutes into walking I realized that I was on a date, and not just the type of friend dates we typically go on. This was a romantic date. It was actually really nice but I don't really know what to make of it. I  am really not ready to get into any sort of a relationship. I like that way things are right now but inside my heart there is this red caution light flashing saying don't fuck this up, we need someone to love us.  

Is that what I have been doing all this time with R, filling up the hole in my chest with meaningless sex? is there anything really wrong with that? There is no law saying that a single woman must be attached to be happy, right? This is 2013 we have moved past the traditional look on life where it is completely immoral to be hooking up just for fun. I mean honestly its one person, we are both consenting adults, and we are being reasonably safe. 

Walking around the garden I couldn't help but start listening to that blinking caution light saying we need this and starting to succumb to the feeling of being actually wanted, in that way, not just physically. The sweet touching and arm around me was so comforting and just felt right. B has always been one of my very best friends and we have dated on and off for years, like about 13 years. A very long time and obviously it has never really worked out, he just hasn't grown up yet. He still enjoys being commitment free and child free. I just don't know if I start to consider exploring that option if I will only end up hurt in the long run because I would be setting myself up for failure with a man that I know cannot give me what I want. Do I even really know what I want? 

Anyway we talked a little about it and agreed to go out on four dates and then revisit the idea and go from there. We will see how long I can stretch out these four dates to get a handle on what I really want out of life. Maybe its time to just list things out, my must haves and then measure the men I meet against that list. Some things are just not worth compromising about. 

Just another manic monday

Mondays are always a tad crazy in just about everyone's life. Nothing unusual to have a hectic monday, its the day of the week that pretty much everyone understands if you are late and/or bitchy.

Every monday while #1 is at ballet #2 and I go to visit friends where I used to work. The office is about 10 blocks from ballet and I really hate waiting in the waiting room at ballet with all of the overly pretentious other mothers. Sorry I am not old, married, rich, or a world traveler. I really hate the feeling I get when I wait there for her to be done. There really is no way to watch practice because it is distracting for the children to have their parents watch.

Anyway so #2 and I go to the office and visit with R and K. K is 21 and there is just something special about him, not in the special way but in the I think something went wrong when he was still a fetus type of way. But #2 loves him and they play for about an hour every monday. I sit and chat with him and R, which can get a little awkward when he starts teasing me about our previous encounters and the pictures he now has of me on his phone. Lovely. But entertaining none the less.

I am still trying to decide if it is completely dysfunctional to visit with R at work, but oh well doesn't matter, I stop in at the office anytime I am down town regardless who is working so not like its anything out of the ordinary. Plus it keeps me away from the downcast looks from the other ballet moms.

Happy Hour

Yay I have a new single friend. Well an old friend who is newly out of a crappy relationship. I hate having only married friends, or in serious relationships friends. I don't want to constantly hear about how blissfully happy you and your perfect partner are. Hearing only about the perfectness of their connection makes me have to choke back a hot knot of bile in my throat every time. Meeting friends for drinks is always a great time, fantastic conversation, I discussed R with her a little, and our plan to meet up later in the evening. To be able to share that arrangement with someone was liberating, to not feel judged or analyzed just listening.

Second half of the evening.

So R had plans with his best friends to go watch the fights down town then was going to come over here to play with me ;) Well he got completely smashed and called me about 10 and asked if he could be dropped off and if I would take him home in the morning. No big deal he works sundays so should be able to drop him fairly early. I went to bed at about 1 and he had not showed yet, feeling pretty certain he would I stripped down and climbed into bed. Sometime in the night he arrived and I was awoken by him getting a little frisky with me. Being the age that he is sex was out of the question apparently...drunkenness and age complicate things he explained. However that just meant that I got a different sort of action, a fantastically, eye opening, holy crap how has that never happened like that before type of experience. There is something to be said for being with someone more experienced. He can do things with his mouth that I did not even realize were possible. Having two nights like that back to back was amazing, I cannot even begin to think of how devastating this will be when the carpet gets pulled out from under me and I catch my breath. Realistically I know that I cannot continue this little affair with R forever but I don't see any way to stop. I have never had experiences as intense as these, I had no idea it could be like that.

And then a couple of times in the morning as well.

Additional note...

In the shower after I took R home I realized I have about 30 bruises all over myself, my back, shoulders, stomach, inner thighs, chest...he is so blissfully intense. I am probably missing a lot of hair also from it being pulled. The passion and intensity that come from him cannot be rivaled, its hard to even put it into words.

Gatsby

Ever since the first time I read the book when I was in highschool I have loved it. To me that is the all thime greatest novel ever. It is magestic, the passion and turmoil between the characters has always spoke to me. I told R about my love of the book and he took me to see the movie. There were some little changes but it was amazing. The filming was done so well that it really brings it to the era in the way I was hoping for. Officially our second date. Not sure if the dates are a great idea but it is so refreshing to have a man that likes to sleep with me and will be seen in public with me without being embarrassed.

Throughout the movie R was really cute and cuddly with me and made sure that I had a good time. It felt amazing to have someone be so sweet to me. When we came back to my place we finished up drinking in my kitchen, with me precariously perched on the counter and him between my knees. As to be expected one thing led to another and quickly I was on my knees before him and then we went upstairs. I don't know if it is just the excitement of being with him, or if he is really just that earth shatteringly amazing in bed, but it is quickly becoming an addiction. R decided we were going to play a little game...how many times can we make Jenna come...I lost count but I was walking a little funny in the morning so I think the game was a success.