So it happened....

Well against my better judgement. I did it. It was good just a little awkward, first time kinda thing. I was insanely nervous. Maybe this will be a good thing and actually help my insecurities. To have someone be nice to be is a refreshing change. Crazy how one little difference in a letter between S and R can make such a huge difference in personality! I think I am so funny!

S was always really controlling, big shocker right. Army guy wanting to control every little situation, on the rare occasion he would actually want to have sex it was only ever on his own terms. During the course of our five year marriage, aside from when we tried to get pregnant with #2, we had sex maybe 15 times. All of those times were less than about five minutes, and only all about him. Doing this with R was really nice, he was totally considerate and didn't make me uncomfortable at all.

reign it in!

Something is seriously wrong in my ability to reason and behave rationally.  I bought condoms yesterday, first time ever, and I sent him a picture....why? I have no idea.

I have never behaved this way before. I know it has been a long time since I got any attention but this  outcry for attention is  utterly ridiculous and needs to be reigned in. I never do anything crazy or without thinking first but something has changed. Just not sure how to deal with the changes.

Oh and to no surprise R didn't come over after that. Probably for the best.

Researching a protection order

Apparently things only go smoothly when a chaperone is present. Nothing new just the usual threats,intimidation  and yelling. Deep down I know there is nothing he can do to take them away from me but it still hurts to have to deal with it all. Can't he just grow up and realize we will have to be a part of each others lives for the next 15 years wether we like it or not.

They are gone.

The first weekend with no kids in the new house. I don't know what to do at all. I am filled with an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I miss them so much and I cannot even speak with them when they are with S. Two more days till everything is back to normal. Here's to hoping evertyhing goes more smoothly at the pick up Sunday. I hate that he is so unpredictable and hostile. Honestly it may be best to have someone come with me everytime just to chaperone our exchanges. I hate feeling like I need protection from him still, shouldn't I be free of all this already? Wasn't that the point of the divorce?

Crap, crap, crap...will I ever learn

So option R has presented itself. After talking it over with friends I think I am gonna go for it. We talked a little and he is just as damaged as I am so there is no reason to worry about him getting attached. I swear if he gets all sappy on me and ends up telling me he loves me I am gonna freak out. Someday a man will tell me he loves me and mean it, but that is not allowed to happen until I am ready. That time is not now.

Anyways...I got a little action. More like gave a little action, but it was all fine and well. I actually enjoyed being able to tease and play. Not sure if it was a good idea or not. But there is a certain power in being able to control a situation and be wanted. I have not had a guy actually be responsive in that way to me since I was a teenager. So entirely too long. It really wasn't all bad, not like we hooked up first time, well I guess third time because we have met up for drinks twice before also. Now it is time to decide if I can do this without it having the possibility of being in a relationship. I have never really gone down this road before. I have hooked up with ex's but that was always under the pretense of exploring getting together again. With R neither of us want that, but I really want the other parts.

Is it really worth throwing out my self respect for a half hour of fun? Self esteem is a fickle thing and I have only just began to rebuild it. I am finally to a place where I can be happy in some small way and I need to be able to keep that intact.

I cant help but thinking that this may be a good opportunity to explore new things and grow withoutcompromising  myself by being in another crappy relationship.

Oh holy quiet....

It has been so ling since I have lived alone. Once the girls are in bed I don't know what to do with myself. I have even run out of things to clean and unpack. Here's to hoping I can become immune to the silence.

Dating still feels like it would be a wasted effort. I don't currently have the focus or energy to put into maintaining a man. I hate to admit it but there are things I miss from being attached. Aside from the insane fighting and creepy all controlling aspect that accompanies relationships. I miss kissing, the passion and feeling butterflies in my stomach. I have met someone who seems to be an unconventional solution to that problem. Although the solution is also very unsuitable and probably not a great choice. Given the scope of relationships I have been in over the last six years I know I am in no place to begin something real, but being an adult now would it be completely wrong to just have a friend to play with? Or should I wait to see if I find someone more suitable than the option I see currently? I suppose it never hurt anyone to explore options, lets call it option R...only time will tell.

starting anew

Finally I have come to the point in life where it is time to move on and say goodby to who I once was. The new goal is to be content. Happiness will come eventually but being content is going to be an uphill climb, one mountain at a time. After a long twenty months of living with my praents following my divorce its timem to awaken from the coccoon of myself and reexperience life.

This is my first night in my new place, an average two bedroom townhouse that will let me have some measure of freedom and normalcy.