Gatsby

Ever since the first time I read the book when I was in highschool I have loved it. To me that is the all thime greatest novel ever. It is magestic, the passion and turmoil between the characters has always spoke to me. I told R about my love of the book and he took me to see the movie. There were some little changes but it was amazing. The filming was done so well that it really brings it to the era in the way I was hoping for. Officially our second date. Not sure if the dates are a great idea but it is so refreshing to have a man that likes to sleep with me and will be seen in public with me without being embarrassed.

Throughout the movie R was really cute and cuddly with me and made sure that I had a good time. It felt amazing to have someone be so sweet to me. When we came back to my place we finished up drinking in my kitchen, with me precariously perched on the counter and him between my knees. As to be expected one thing led to another and quickly I was on my knees before him and then we went upstairs. I don't know if it is just the excitement of being with him, or if he is really just that earth shatteringly amazing in bed, but it is quickly becoming an addiction. R decided we were going to play a little game...how many times can we make Jenna come...I lost count but I was walking a little funny in the morning so I think the game was a success.

I actually cried...stupid girl

Stupid stupid girl. I think I am getting attached, I didn't really realize it until last night. So saturday he kept texting me all day saying he wanted to come over but he had plans with friends so it would be a little late. No big deal, a little late is fine but this time he was a no show. Text me at ten and told me it would be an hour or so, then again at just before midnight and asked me to just leave my door unlocked because the friend he was with would not leave and he didn't drive. So I did and went to bed and at his request set my alarm for a little after three so I would be up. Honestly I thought it would be fun to have a middle of the night hook up for once. And he has never made me feel cheap before.

So needless to say he didn't show up. I hate to admit it but I am a little but crushed. He kept calling and texting all night assuring me he would be here, and nothing. I text him when my alarm went off and he apologized saying he felt like an idiot and he would make it up to me. Offered to take me out to dinner tonight, which is Mother's Day. Easy to offer something that you know I won't be able to take you up on. I know realistically I have no right to be mad. It just feels like after all this progress I have made into not feeling like I used to I am right back where I started from so quickly. Like I took one step forward and now  three steps back.

Maybe it is time to reevaluate this situation and move on to something more healthy. I know I am not ready for a relationship but I know I don't want a repeat of last night. I hate that feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me that this treatment is what I deserve because I have been behaving so carelessly. See what I mean about the backward progress. So frustrating. I can sit here and think rationally that this is making no sense but I still feel that way. It is like there is a disconnect between my brain and spinal cord.

Final friday!

Two more days till I get the babies back! I cannot even wait. I miss them so much. Being a mom is by far my favorite thing in the world and I feel completely lost without them. Its like being incomplete.

Tonight is also the last night R will be staying over, he is going out of town tomorrow. Driving with his friend to go pick up his new harley. Seriously older hot guy with a harley. Yum, how hot is that. It has been so nice having him here. It is like my little addiction anytime I need it. He is super sweet, keeps sending me sweet messages. Makes me feel amazing, no one has ever been nice to me without a motive before. I really cannot tease out any motive that he may have in this situation. We have great conversations about just about everything and anything, and we have amazing sex. What else could he want, there must be no clear motive just an actual nice guy. Who knew they existed, maybe someday I will find someone like him that is more suitable for me.

Dinner for one

So every year since I got married back in 2007 I have went out to dinner all by myself. My ex was never interested in spending time with me so I take myself on a date. This year I reminded myself that I am a cheap date. Probably should not have driven home. It is empowering to sit at a table at a restaurant all alone and not have it be awkward. At this time in my life I feel good about bringing a book and hanging out alone. I did try to call my kids again and what do you know no answer, I really hope they are okay up there. Unfortunately there is no way to tell because stupid is such a dick.

R came over tonight also, think that has been basically every night this week. Kinda nice to not have to sleep alone since I am all alone here. We ended up watching a movie and just going to bed. It is actually kinda nice to just cuddle up and hang out like regular people. I really hope R doesn't start to get attached though, I don't think he would deal with that well and it would make things awkward for everyone.  I know I can keep my feeling for him in check and keep it all separate but I am not sure how long this can go on before someone breaks.

Early morning

Weird feeling this morning when I woke up, not sure if last night was real or if I dreamed the entire thing. R was with his daughter last night so I just left the door open and went to bed. When I woke up he had already gotten up and left for work. I'm not even kidding the sex was that kind of amazing where if I wasn't a little sore this morning I would have thought I dreamt the entire event.

I dont really even understand what it is about him but something is a delicious kind of wonderful. He seems to bring out the best of me. It really isn't just about the sex either, I am not as self conscious when we are together. I think I could almost actually be okay with getting naked in front of him. R doesn't make me feel unworthy in any way. Any other man that I have been with has been cruel and mean about anything intimate. This is the first time since I was a teenager that I have actually felt free to do whatever feels good. I don't have to worry that I am going to do something that is going to piss him off. He even makes me take a little control once in a while. We have had lots of conversations about our pasts and I think he understands the inner turmoil I have when it comes to self esteem and confidence and R seems determine to help that issue.

spulenking

Tuesday day off, no kids, what to do aside from be really really sad missing my kids.

I decided to go hiking with B, I suppose he would be classified as an ex but it never has felt that way. We are just really good friends. We went up to the caves in our local mountain. Turns out this time of year there is still snow on the mountain...seriously who knew? I would have expected a few little patches here and there, oh no! not even close, there was about 10 feet of snow. We couldn't even make it to the parking lot near the caves, had to park about two miles down the mountain and trek it up.

Let me be the first to tell you that walking along the top of a snow drift is not as easy as it sounds. I fell in so many times, oh and I didn't realize that it would be like that so I wore shorts. cold cold cold. Once we finally got to the cave it was really nice and a great hike although walking back sucked just as much as walking up. B was just about as miserable as I was but tried to be tough in his I'm a man kinda way. It was a great trip though all in all.

I think R is finally going to come over tonight! I need some serious action. It has been like a week, after not having sex for so long and then getting it all the time its like the carpet got pulled out from under me. Wish me luck on getting some!

bored.

So I think I'm gonna die...haven't had anything to post about in forever, which means I haven't been getting any action in a while. My old man hurt his back, made me realize really quick that we have a rather large age gap. Kinda funny though. We have still been chatting which is nice but nothing exciting like before.