Review

At 26 I think I have finally learned a few things about what I want in life. Being divorced at a young age was not something I expected to happen to me, I always knew I would have kids young but going at it alone never crossed my mind. I think deep down I knew the day I got married that it was not ever going to work, all I wanted to do was run away but I was too scared of S to dare try. The thing with controlling relationships is that you never realize how all consuming they are until after you are out of them. Looking back now I want to slap the shit out of my dreamy eyed 19 year old self, just tell my teen heart that you deserve better, you are worth more than this, you have value even if he says you don't.

My new mantra in life is I am worthy. I am trying to gradually reprogram my mind and soul to realize that the damage he did can be scraped away it just takes a little turpentine and a serious scraper with some elbow grease. I can do this. Having someone tell you constantly for five years that you hold no value, you hold them back, you are not worthy, you are ugly and uninspiring takes a toll. It all started so gradually I never realized the extent of his mental control over me until I had a guy look me directly in the eye and tell me I have value and that he thinks I am attractive. Now the challenge is picking up the broken pieces and making something whole. 

The failure of my marriage began immediately after it began. Once I changed my last name to his I was no longer a person I was a possession. He began to sink in his claws and demanded that I quit my job and devote my time toward making a home for us. At first that sounded like a dream, however I quickly learned that all he really wanted was to alienate me from the outside world. Once I was married in the entire five years, aside from two weeks when we tried for #2, we had sex less than twenty times. I disgusted him, no matter what I tried to do to make him happy, turn him on, get his attention nothing worked. On those rare occasions that we did hook up I was only allowed to do it missionary, no noise making, no moving and over as quickly as possible. I know that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but that is a great example of how our life was. 

Awful. 

Now I know I can have more than that. And I want more than that.