bored.

So I think I'm gonna die...haven't had anything to post about in forever, which means I haven't been getting any action in a while. My old man hurt his back, made me realize really quick that we have a rather large age gap. Kinda funny though. We have still been chatting which is nice but nothing exciting like before.

Spring break sucks

Stupid gets my kids for the week starting today. This is going to be by far the longest I have ever been away from them. Hopefully the week goes fast, I know he won't let me speak to them at all. Everything him is about power not about what is best for the kids. I really don't think he has any interest in spending time with the girls at all just wants to piss me off by taking them when he can.

I have basically convinced #1 that she will have a good time but #2 hates him and really does not want to go. The scream and cry the whole hour car drive up there and never want me to leave. I hate that it has to be so hard. If he wasn't such a dick he could just have a normal relationship with the kids and be a parent.

Feeling cheap

So after last night I thought I was sure to get some hang out time with R. But oddly he was a no show. Has happened a couple times, but then I knew he had things to do. Last night was a nothing to do no show, no call. Probably honestly good for me to snap me back into check. I need to stop fantasizing that this having a man be as amazingly sweet to me as R typically is is not the norm. I did get a text this morning and a little conversation apologizing for flaking out and I kinda just decided to brush it off. I want to make sure that I am  not going to get used to requiring explanation, I am not the girl friend I don't need any reason why plans didn't work out.

Right? If so then why do I have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach screaming up at me saying girl you are a fool he really just likes to bang you when it is convenient. Feeling a tad cheap and not sure if I have the right to or if I am starting to invest myself more than I should. Might need to tone this back a little just to keep control.

Book club

My fabulous ladies night out! Love love it. I have never had very many girl friends before so joining into this group of amazing ladies is a tremendous blessing. I have learned so much from them about how normal relationships are and what is and is not okay. We discuss things that are deeply personal in a way that is therapeutic and freeing. Oh and we also read books, I read an insane amount on my own but monthly we pick and read then discuss a book it is interesting to see the different things that we all get out of them. Most of these women are teachers or staff assistants at the high school I attended, only one was there when I was a student which was a little interesting to realize at first. It is awesome to be able to discuss and share my passion for reading and analyzing novels with others.

oh and while I was there I got a lovely pic from R....guess we know what I am gonna do tonight...grinning like an idiot right now...

Calendar

Way back when I used to be hot. Like really hot, and I did some modeling. Scantily clad draped over a sexy car little calendars for a couple years, and one motorcycle. It was a really fun little project that really brought me out of my shyness. Never really expected it to come back and bite me in the ass later.

The man that took the photographs came into my work to get Lasik, recognized me instantly, which was a tad of an ego boost. But then brought in copies of the calendar to show people at my office. Completely and utterly mortified. I have no qualms with sharing the pictures they are not that bad but not something I want to be shown around my work.

Review

At 26 I think I have finally learned a few things about what I want in life. Being divorced at a young age was not something I expected to happen to me, I always knew I would have kids young but going at it alone never crossed my mind. I think deep down I knew the day I got married that it was not ever going to work, all I wanted to do was run away but I was too scared of S to dare try. The thing with controlling relationships is that you never realize how all consuming they are until after you are out of them. Looking back now I want to slap the shit out of my dreamy eyed 19 year old self, just tell my teen heart that you deserve better, you are worth more than this, you have value even if he says you don't.

My new mantra in life is I am worthy. I am trying to gradually reprogram my mind and soul to realize that the damage he did can be scraped away it just takes a little turpentine and a serious scraper with some elbow grease. I can do this. Having someone tell you constantly for five years that you hold no value, you hold them back, you are not worthy, you are ugly and uninspiring takes a toll. It all started so gradually I never realized the extent of his mental control over me until I had a guy look me directly in the eye and tell me I have value and that he thinks I am attractive. Now the challenge is picking up the broken pieces and making something whole. 

The failure of my marriage began immediately after it began. Once I changed my last name to his I was no longer a person I was a possession. He began to sink in his claws and demanded that I quit my job and devote my time toward making a home for us. At first that sounded like a dream, however I quickly learned that all he really wanted was to alienate me from the outside world. Once I was married in the entire five years, aside from two weeks when we tried for #2, we had sex less than twenty times. I disgusted him, no matter what I tried to do to make him happy, turn him on, get his attention nothing worked. On those rare occasions that we did hook up I was only allowed to do it missionary, no noise making, no moving and over as quickly as possible. I know that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but that is a great example of how our life was. 

Awful. 

Now I know I can have more than that. And I want more than that. 

Battle Royal Continues

Court today went amazingly for me. S is a moron and the judge all but told him that in open court. I loved it. He filed papers against me trying to have me found in contempt of court for not allowing him to see the children. Upon coming back from deployment he didn't even call the kids for over a week, and then I had to force him to see them for dinner let alone anything else. Somehow that means I am withholding the children from him. At least the court system can see threw his wide array of bullshit. The only thing they did was change the drop off time from 3:30 to 5:30 because #1 is in school now. I don't see why we had to go to court just for that but he thinks it is fun to battle with me.  I was also awarded attorneys fees which was a pleasant surprise. The only down side is the judge said since we don't have a final parenting plan in place that we would start this year alternating spring break with the kids and since he has been gone on deployment he gets to have them for the week this year. Going to be a long awful week for my poor children.