I think that might have been a date

So today was my day off work, and oh it is glorious to have a day off during the week! Normally this would be mom and #2 day but today she had to go to school, they are practicing for the spring performance. So I decided to hang out with B, an old friend from high school. Didn't really think it was a big deal. We went to coffee and then to walk around the Japanese Gardens. About 15 minutes into walking I realized that I was on a date, and not just the type of friend dates we typically go on. This was a romantic date. It was actually really nice but I don't really know what to make of it. I  am really not ready to get into any sort of a relationship. I like that way things are right now but inside my heart there is this red caution light flashing saying don't fuck this up, we need someone to love us.  

Is that what I have been doing all this time with R, filling up the hole in my chest with meaningless sex? is there anything really wrong with that? There is no law saying that a single woman must be attached to be happy, right? This is 2013 we have moved past the traditional look on life where it is completely immoral to be hooking up just for fun. I mean honestly its one person, we are both consenting adults, and we are being reasonably safe. 

Walking around the garden I couldn't help but start listening to that blinking caution light saying we need this and starting to succumb to the feeling of being actually wanted, in that way, not just physically. The sweet touching and arm around me was so comforting and just felt right. B has always been one of my very best friends and we have dated on and off for years, like about 13 years. A very long time and obviously it has never really worked out, he just hasn't grown up yet. He still enjoys being commitment free and child free. I just don't know if I start to consider exploring that option if I will only end up hurt in the long run because I would be setting myself up for failure with a man that I know cannot give me what I want. Do I even really know what I want? 

Anyway we talked a little about it and agreed to go out on four dates and then revisit the idea and go from there. We will see how long I can stretch out these four dates to get a handle on what I really want out of life. Maybe its time to just list things out, my must haves and then measure the men I meet against that list. Some things are just not worth compromising about.