Spring break sucks

Stupid gets my kids for the week starting today. This is going to be by far the longest I have ever been away from them. Hopefully the week goes fast, I know he won't let me speak to them at all. Everything him is about power not about what is best for the kids. I really don't think he has any interest in spending time with the girls at all just wants to piss me off by taking them when he can.

I have basically convinced #1 that she will have a good time but #2 hates him and really does not want to go. The scream and cry the whole hour car drive up there and never want me to leave. I hate that it has to be so hard. If he wasn't such a dick he could just have a normal relationship with the kids and be a parent.

Feeling cheap

So after last night I thought I was sure to get some hang out time with R. But oddly he was a no show. Has happened a couple times, but then I knew he had things to do. Last night was a nothing to do no show, no call. Probably honestly good for me to snap me back into check. I need to stop fantasizing that this having a man be as amazingly sweet to me as R typically is is not the norm. I did get a text this morning and a little conversation apologizing for flaking out and I kinda just decided to brush it off. I want to make sure that I am  not going to get used to requiring explanation, I am not the girl friend I don't need any reason why plans didn't work out.

Right? If so then why do I have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach screaming up at me saying girl you are a fool he really just likes to bang you when it is convenient. Feeling a tad cheap and not sure if I have the right to or if I am starting to invest myself more than I should. Might need to tone this back a little just to keep control.

Book club

My fabulous ladies night out! Love love it. I have never had very many girl friends before so joining into this group of amazing ladies is a tremendous blessing. I have learned so much from them about how normal relationships are and what is and is not okay. We discuss things that are deeply personal in a way that is therapeutic and freeing. Oh and we also read books, I read an insane amount on my own but monthly we pick and read then discuss a book it is interesting to see the different things that we all get out of them. Most of these women are teachers or staff assistants at the high school I attended, only one was there when I was a student which was a little interesting to realize at first. It is awesome to be able to discuss and share my passion for reading and analyzing novels with others.

oh and while I was there I got a lovely pic from R....guess we know what I am gonna do tonight...grinning like an idiot right now...

Calendar

Way back when I used to be hot. Like really hot, and I did some modeling. Scantily clad draped over a sexy car little calendars for a couple years, and one motorcycle. It was a really fun little project that really brought me out of my shyness. Never really expected it to come back and bite me in the ass later.

The man that took the photographs came into my work to get Lasik, recognized me instantly, which was a tad of an ego boost. But then brought in copies of the calendar to show people at my office. Completely and utterly mortified. I have no qualms with sharing the pictures they are not that bad but not something I want to be shown around my work.

Review

At 26 I think I have finally learned a few things about what I want in life. Being divorced at a young age was not something I expected to happen to me, I always knew I would have kids young but going at it alone never crossed my mind. I think deep down I knew the day I got married that it was not ever going to work, all I wanted to do was run away but I was too scared of S to dare try. The thing with controlling relationships is that you never realize how all consuming they are until after you are out of them. Looking back now I want to slap the shit out of my dreamy eyed 19 year old self, just tell my teen heart that you deserve better, you are worth more than this, you have value even if he says you don't.

My new mantra in life is I am worthy. I am trying to gradually reprogram my mind and soul to realize that the damage he did can be scraped away it just takes a little turpentine and a serious scraper with some elbow grease. I can do this. Having someone tell you constantly for five years that you hold no value, you hold them back, you are not worthy, you are ugly and uninspiring takes a toll. It all started so gradually I never realized the extent of his mental control over me until I had a guy look me directly in the eye and tell me I have value and that he thinks I am attractive. Now the challenge is picking up the broken pieces and making something whole. 

The failure of my marriage began immediately after it began. Once I changed my last name to his I was no longer a person I was a possession. He began to sink in his claws and demanded that I quit my job and devote my time toward making a home for us. At first that sounded like a dream, however I quickly learned that all he really wanted was to alienate me from the outside world. Once I was married in the entire five years, aside from two weeks when we tried for #2, we had sex less than twenty times. I disgusted him, no matter what I tried to do to make him happy, turn him on, get his attention nothing worked. On those rare occasions that we did hook up I was only allowed to do it missionary, no noise making, no moving and over as quickly as possible. I know that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but that is a great example of how our life was. 

Awful. 

Now I know I can have more than that. And I want more than that. 

Battle Royal Continues

Court today went amazingly for me. S is a moron and the judge all but told him that in open court. I loved it. He filed papers against me trying to have me found in contempt of court for not allowing him to see the children. Upon coming back from deployment he didn't even call the kids for over a week, and then I had to force him to see them for dinner let alone anything else. Somehow that means I am withholding the children from him. At least the court system can see threw his wide array of bullshit. The only thing they did was change the drop off time from 3:30 to 5:30 because #1 is in school now. I don't see why we had to go to court just for that but he thinks it is fun to battle with me.  I was also awarded attorneys fees which was a pleasant surprise. The only down side is the judge said since we don't have a final parenting plan in place that we would start this year alternating spring break with the kids and since he has been gone on deployment he gets to have them for the week this year. Going to be a long awful week for my poor children.

Success

Finally had an exchange of children with S that did not involve yelling, screaming, slapping, threatening or any other shenanigans that S and Sk can come up with. Finally things may start to be more civil and we can move past the hostility and have a normal discussion about the children without the normal craziness.

Here's to hoping that it gets better.

oscar

I got a puppy! well I haven't got him yet but I picked him out! So excited

Jays

I am not a club girl...I am not a club girl. I am not a club girl...why oh why did I agree to go to a club. yuck

I just want to go home. Completely trashed and wasted, texted a picture of me in a compromising position from the bathroom to R. He loved it, wants to come over when I get home. Sucks that the friend I came with is insistent on closing down the bar. I quickly remember why we don't often hang out.

.....................

Continued...

Three am visits are amazing. Holy hell batman skanky pictures and teasing texts and sultry voice quickie phone calls really get R going. No need for the pre-game this time just fantastic drunken fumbling and frisking.

Interesting email....

Historical update to this post.....

S cheated on me with about 12 different women during the course of our marriage, one of those women was L, she ended up pregnant. She is sort of a whore and was unsure if the baby was her husbands, S's, her boyfriends or one other guy's. So at the time I didn't give it much thought at all. After each DNA test she was able to tick off one of the possibilities as to the paternity of her child. I think after the first two she got a group discount at the testing office.  Oh and L's baby is only a couple months younger than #2.

Enough history...

So L emailed me today asking about S's family history. So apparently the DNA test that he did while he was deployed came back he is the lucky winner of that paternity nightmare. I really don't know what is the right thing to do in this situation. I suppose I should be more prepared given that I knew about all of his extra-marital affairs. I am at a loss. Obviously S has not been cooperative with her at all, in her email she also asked for his rank, unit, base and SSN. So she is looking to go after him for support. Given his lack of relationship with my children whom he actually has met I don't see him being involved much with this child either.

Other than just information L wants our children to meet and be able to keep in contact as they grow up. I am not sure at this point that would be healthy for my girls. They still have so many issues with their gather and his lack of relationship with them so bringing in another complication to that equation seems like it would be putting them on overload. What to do? Is it even acceptable for L and I to be talking? Will this further shake my already unstable correspondence with S?

Perfection

Life is perfect. Finally on a good routine with S and our exchanges with the children should start going more smoothly. We had a decent conversation and I think he is starting to realize that things would be better for the kids if we could be civil. Letting them see us fight is not healthy especially for #1 she really hates feeling torn between her devotion to me as her mother and wanting to have fun at S's house. He is still less than involved with the girls when they go up there but at least they are not screaming crying the whole way up.

oops I did it again...

Round two is by far my favorite round ever! Bliss! Leg shaking, earth moving, hot and sweaty amazingness! Even thinking about it to write down makes me want to do it again. Who would have thought the way to enjoy a hook up would be to do it with a guy that is completely and totally inappropriate. I suppose I have not gone into all the reasons that this is a bad idea. And dear readers I don't want you to be staring at your screen mouth open saying wow this girl has lost it. But lets go over the three basics to why R and I could never ever move beyond the stage we are in....
   - He has went to elementary school with my father
   - I went to high school with his daughter
   - And he is 21 years older than me
Aside from those crucial issues there is more, we have a pretty clear group of overlapping friends, go to the same family bbq's and softball games. That sort of thing. Oh and he recently broke it off with the moronic girl he was engaged to. Yes, yes I know I have totally lost my mind. But R is so nice, is it really so wrong to just sit back and enjoy someone actually being sweet and respectful of me.

Sleeping all night

Finally able to sleep in my new place without worrying about every little sound. Which is especially tricky since I like to sleep with the window open. The girls adjusted immediately, they are still on the same routine and everything is going great. #2's allergies are so much better with the brand new carpet here, her entire quality of life has improved. #1 is so happy she loves having all her own space and they both keep asking for a dog. That may happen sooner than I had anticipated just so I have something here when they have to go up to visit S every other weekend.

So it happened....

Well against my better judgement. I did it. It was good just a little awkward, first time kinda thing. I was insanely nervous. Maybe this will be a good thing and actually help my insecurities. To have someone be nice to be is a refreshing change. Crazy how one little difference in a letter between S and R can make such a huge difference in personality! I think I am so funny!

S was always really controlling, big shocker right. Army guy wanting to control every little situation, on the rare occasion he would actually want to have sex it was only ever on his own terms. During the course of our five year marriage, aside from when we tried to get pregnant with #2, we had sex maybe 15 times. All of those times were less than about five minutes, and only all about him. Doing this with R was really nice, he was totally considerate and didn't make me uncomfortable at all.

reign it in!

Something is seriously wrong in my ability to reason and behave rationally.  I bought condoms yesterday, first time ever, and I sent him a picture....why? I have no idea.

I have never behaved this way before. I know it has been a long time since I got any attention but this  outcry for attention is  utterly ridiculous and needs to be reigned in. I never do anything crazy or without thinking first but something has changed. Just not sure how to deal with the changes.

Oh and to no surprise R didn't come over after that. Probably for the best.

Researching a protection order

Apparently things only go smoothly when a chaperone is present. Nothing new just the usual threats,intimidation  and yelling. Deep down I know there is nothing he can do to take them away from me but it still hurts to have to deal with it all. Can't he just grow up and realize we will have to be a part of each others lives for the next 15 years wether we like it or not.

They are gone.

The first weekend with no kids in the new house. I don't know what to do at all. I am filled with an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I miss them so much and I cannot even speak with them when they are with S. Two more days till everything is back to normal. Here's to hoping evertyhing goes more smoothly at the pick up Sunday. I hate that he is so unpredictable and hostile. Honestly it may be best to have someone come with me everytime just to chaperone our exchanges. I hate feeling like I need protection from him still, shouldn't I be free of all this already? Wasn't that the point of the divorce?

Crap, crap, crap...will I ever learn

So option R has presented itself. After talking it over with friends I think I am gonna go for it. We talked a little and he is just as damaged as I am so there is no reason to worry about him getting attached. I swear if he gets all sappy on me and ends up telling me he loves me I am gonna freak out. Someday a man will tell me he loves me and mean it, but that is not allowed to happen until I am ready. That time is not now.

Anyways...I got a little action. More like gave a little action, but it was all fine and well. I actually enjoyed being able to tease and play. Not sure if it was a good idea or not. But there is a certain power in being able to control a situation and be wanted. I have not had a guy actually be responsive in that way to me since I was a teenager. So entirely too long. It really wasn't all bad, not like we hooked up first time, well I guess third time because we have met up for drinks twice before also. Now it is time to decide if I can do this without it having the possibility of being in a relationship. I have never really gone down this road before. I have hooked up with ex's but that was always under the pretense of exploring getting together again. With R neither of us want that, but I really want the other parts.

Is it really worth throwing out my self respect for a half hour of fun? Self esteem is a fickle thing and I have only just began to rebuild it. I am finally to a place where I can be happy in some small way and I need to be able to keep that intact.

I cant help but thinking that this may be a good opportunity to explore new things and grow withoutcompromising  myself by being in another crappy relationship.