The battle begins

So as my #1 gets closer and closer to age six I feel like she is turning into a teenager. She has all the crazy mood swings and completely erratic behavior of any teenager I know. What happened to my sweet little five year old? She has disappeared into some lost place that I have no idea about. Does their attitude gradually get worse and worse with each passing year? What is it going to be like when she is actually a teenager.

Days like this I really hate going at the whole parenting thing alone. It makes it insanely harder to be the only one responsible for shaping their characters. I ended up calling in my mother for back up and then when I talked to R later got actually lectured for it. He has this confidence in me that I can do this all on my own. Maybe I can...who knows only time will tell....

On the plus side I did have a lovely chat 

hating the ex

The ex is making me crazy. I seriously want to scream and throat punch him. That would probably only make things worse but it would make me feel so much better. His new game is to make promises just to break them when the time comes to deliver and make the kids cry. I honestly think that he gets entertainment from making my kids cry. It is sick, I dont't understand it at all.

I have to say my children are amazing. They are sweet and locing and well behaved. They are not spoiled, they say please and thank you. They always behave so its not like I have little shit head kids that he is having to deal with. I have even talked to R about it and he doesn't understand it at all. He and his ex wife got divorced when his kids were little so at least I get some insight there.

I don't really know anyone besides the ex who comes from a broken home. I am lucky to be the first in my family to be divorced. Needless to say they were not very supportive of my relationship ending. Most of the time my father seems to think that my kids would be better off with the ex and his whoreish girl friend.

Let me explain a tad about the new whore he is with. This is the twelth girl, that I know of, that he cheated on me with when we were married. She is about twenty years older than him and has six chilren. Her six kids are from five different fathers, the two that have the same father are not sequential in order either. Pretty much a walking sexually transmitted disease. When he got with her I just couldn't take it anymore and I finally left. They have been together since, she is now pregnant with her seventh child and his fourth. It completely makes my stomach turn to think about it. (side note his other child he has never met and is from another girl he cheated with they now live in Texas) His lovely peach of a girlfriend also does not have custody of any of her children, they either live with their fathers or her monther, they range in age from 21 to 2.

This is the crazy shit that I am up against. I don't knw how to reason with these people because they are so obviously off their rockers already.

Play dates...not just for the kids

Yesterday my new single friend A came over for a play date and dinner. I love having single friends, and even better when those single friends have kids! There is something sacred about being able to have an adult conversation with another human, not just the voices rambling around in my head, on a week night. Especially when we have a couple glasses of wine and really really greasy pizza, I'm gonna count that a win. The kids had a great time playing her daughter is just a couple months older than #2 so #1 got to play mother hen and had more than one duckling to order around.

Getting back to having a normal social life is going to be a good thing.

I think that might have been a date

So today was my day off work, and oh it is glorious to have a day off during the week! Normally this would be mom and #2 day but today she had to go to school, they are practicing for the spring performance. So I decided to hang out with B, an old friend from high school. Didn't really think it was a big deal. We went to coffee and then to walk around the Japanese Gardens. About 15 minutes into walking I realized that I was on a date, and not just the type of friend dates we typically go on. This was a romantic date. It was actually really nice but I don't really know what to make of it. I  am really not ready to get into any sort of a relationship. I like that way things are right now but inside my heart there is this red caution light flashing saying don't fuck this up, we need someone to love us.  

Is that what I have been doing all this time with R, filling up the hole in my chest with meaningless sex? is there anything really wrong with that? There is no law saying that a single woman must be attached to be happy, right? This is 2013 we have moved past the traditional look on life where it is completely immoral to be hooking up just for fun. I mean honestly its one person, we are both consenting adults, and we are being reasonably safe. 

Walking around the garden I couldn't help but start listening to that blinking caution light saying we need this and starting to succumb to the feeling of being actually wanted, in that way, not just physically. The sweet touching and arm around me was so comforting and just felt right. B has always been one of my very best friends and we have dated on and off for years, like about 13 years. A very long time and obviously it has never really worked out, he just hasn't grown up yet. He still enjoys being commitment free and child free. I just don't know if I start to consider exploring that option if I will only end up hurt in the long run because I would be setting myself up for failure with a man that I know cannot give me what I want. Do I even really know what I want? 

Anyway we talked a little about it and agreed to go out on four dates and then revisit the idea and go from there. We will see how long I can stretch out these four dates to get a handle on what I really want out of life. Maybe its time to just list things out, my must haves and then measure the men I meet against that list. Some things are just not worth compromising about. 

Just another manic monday

Mondays are always a tad crazy in just about everyone's life. Nothing unusual to have a hectic monday, its the day of the week that pretty much everyone understands if you are late and/or bitchy.

Every monday while #1 is at ballet #2 and I go to visit friends where I used to work. The office is about 10 blocks from ballet and I really hate waiting in the waiting room at ballet with all of the overly pretentious other mothers. Sorry I am not old, married, rich, or a world traveler. I really hate the feeling I get when I wait there for her to be done. There really is no way to watch practice because it is distracting for the children to have their parents watch.

Anyway so #2 and I go to the office and visit with R and K. K is 21 and there is just something special about him, not in the special way but in the I think something went wrong when he was still a fetus type of way. But #2 loves him and they play for about an hour every monday. I sit and chat with him and R, which can get a little awkward when he starts teasing me about our previous encounters and the pictures he now has of me on his phone. Lovely. But entertaining none the less.

I am still trying to decide if it is completely dysfunctional to visit with R at work, but oh well doesn't matter, I stop in at the office anytime I am down town regardless who is working so not like its anything out of the ordinary. Plus it keeps me away from the downcast looks from the other ballet moms.

Happy Hour

Yay I have a new single friend. Well an old friend who is newly out of a crappy relationship. I hate having only married friends, or in serious relationships friends. I don't want to constantly hear about how blissfully happy you and your perfect partner are. Hearing only about the perfectness of their connection makes me have to choke back a hot knot of bile in my throat every time. Meeting friends for drinks is always a great time, fantastic conversation, I discussed R with her a little, and our plan to meet up later in the evening. To be able to share that arrangement with someone was liberating, to not feel judged or analyzed just listening.

Second half of the evening.

So R had plans with his best friends to go watch the fights down town then was going to come over here to play with me ;) Well he got completely smashed and called me about 10 and asked if he could be dropped off and if I would take him home in the morning. No big deal he works sundays so should be able to drop him fairly early. I went to bed at about 1 and he had not showed yet, feeling pretty certain he would I stripped down and climbed into bed. Sometime in the night he arrived and I was awoken by him getting a little frisky with me. Being the age that he is sex was out of the question apparently...drunkenness and age complicate things he explained. However that just meant that I got a different sort of action, a fantastically, eye opening, holy crap how has that never happened like that before type of experience. There is something to be said for being with someone more experienced. He can do things with his mouth that I did not even realize were possible. Having two nights like that back to back was amazing, I cannot even begin to think of how devastating this will be when the carpet gets pulled out from under me and I catch my breath. Realistically I know that I cannot continue this little affair with R forever but I don't see any way to stop. I have never had experiences as intense as these, I had no idea it could be like that.

And then a couple of times in the morning as well.

Additional note...

In the shower after I took R home I realized I have about 30 bruises all over myself, my back, shoulders, stomach, inner thighs, chest...he is so blissfully intense. I am probably missing a lot of hair also from it being pulled. The passion and intensity that come from him cannot be rivaled, its hard to even put it into words.

Gatsby

Ever since the first time I read the book when I was in highschool I have loved it. To me that is the all thime greatest novel ever. It is magestic, the passion and turmoil between the characters has always spoke to me. I told R about my love of the book and he took me to see the movie. There were some little changes but it was amazing. The filming was done so well that it really brings it to the era in the way I was hoping for. Officially our second date. Not sure if the dates are a great idea but it is so refreshing to have a man that likes to sleep with me and will be seen in public with me without being embarrassed.

Throughout the movie R was really cute and cuddly with me and made sure that I had a good time. It felt amazing to have someone be so sweet to me. When we came back to my place we finished up drinking in my kitchen, with me precariously perched on the counter and him between my knees. As to be expected one thing led to another and quickly I was on my knees before him and then we went upstairs. I don't know if it is just the excitement of being with him, or if he is really just that earth shatteringly amazing in bed, but it is quickly becoming an addiction. R decided we were going to play a little game...how many times can we make Jenna come...I lost count but I was walking a little funny in the morning so I think the game was a success.

I actually cried...stupid girl

Stupid stupid girl. I think I am getting attached, I didn't really realize it until last night. So saturday he kept texting me all day saying he wanted to come over but he had plans with friends so it would be a little late. No big deal, a little late is fine but this time he was a no show. Text me at ten and told me it would be an hour or so, then again at just before midnight and asked me to just leave my door unlocked because the friend he was with would not leave and he didn't drive. So I did and went to bed and at his request set my alarm for a little after three so I would be up. Honestly I thought it would be fun to have a middle of the night hook up for once. And he has never made me feel cheap before.

So needless to say he didn't show up. I hate to admit it but I am a little but crushed. He kept calling and texting all night assuring me he would be here, and nothing. I text him when my alarm went off and he apologized saying he felt like an idiot and he would make it up to me. Offered to take me out to dinner tonight, which is Mother's Day. Easy to offer something that you know I won't be able to take you up on. I know realistically I have no right to be mad. It just feels like after all this progress I have made into not feeling like I used to I am right back where I started from so quickly. Like I took one step forward and now  three steps back.

Maybe it is time to reevaluate this situation and move on to something more healthy. I know I am not ready for a relationship but I know I don't want a repeat of last night. I hate that feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me that this treatment is what I deserve because I have been behaving so carelessly. See what I mean about the backward progress. So frustrating. I can sit here and think rationally that this is making no sense but I still feel that way. It is like there is a disconnect between my brain and spinal cord.

Final friday!

Two more days till I get the babies back! I cannot even wait. I miss them so much. Being a mom is by far my favorite thing in the world and I feel completely lost without them. Its like being incomplete.

Tonight is also the last night R will be staying over, he is going out of town tomorrow. Driving with his friend to go pick up his new harley. Seriously older hot guy with a harley. Yum, how hot is that. It has been so nice having him here. It is like my little addiction anytime I need it. He is super sweet, keeps sending me sweet messages. Makes me feel amazing, no one has ever been nice to me without a motive before. I really cannot tease out any motive that he may have in this situation. We have great conversations about just about everything and anything, and we have amazing sex. What else could he want, there must be no clear motive just an actual nice guy. Who knew they existed, maybe someday I will find someone like him that is more suitable for me.

Dinner for one

So every year since I got married back in 2007 I have went out to dinner all by myself. My ex was never interested in spending time with me so I take myself on a date. This year I reminded myself that I am a cheap date. Probably should not have driven home. It is empowering to sit at a table at a restaurant all alone and not have it be awkward. At this time in my life I feel good about bringing a book and hanging out alone. I did try to call my kids again and what do you know no answer, I really hope they are okay up there. Unfortunately there is no way to tell because stupid is such a dick.

R came over tonight also, think that has been basically every night this week. Kinda nice to not have to sleep alone since I am all alone here. We ended up watching a movie and just going to bed. It is actually kinda nice to just cuddle up and hang out like regular people. I really hope R doesn't start to get attached though, I don't think he would deal with that well and it would make things awkward for everyone.  I know I can keep my feeling for him in check and keep it all separate but I am not sure how long this can go on before someone breaks.

Early morning

Weird feeling this morning when I woke up, not sure if last night was real or if I dreamed the entire thing. R was with his daughter last night so I just left the door open and went to bed. When I woke up he had already gotten up and left for work. I'm not even kidding the sex was that kind of amazing where if I wasn't a little sore this morning I would have thought I dreamt the entire event.

I dont really even understand what it is about him but something is a delicious kind of wonderful. He seems to bring out the best of me. It really isn't just about the sex either, I am not as self conscious when we are together. I think I could almost actually be okay with getting naked in front of him. R doesn't make me feel unworthy in any way. Any other man that I have been with has been cruel and mean about anything intimate. This is the first time since I was a teenager that I have actually felt free to do whatever feels good. I don't have to worry that I am going to do something that is going to piss him off. He even makes me take a little control once in a while. We have had lots of conversations about our pasts and I think he understands the inner turmoil I have when it comes to self esteem and confidence and R seems determine to help that issue.

spulenking

Tuesday day off, no kids, what to do aside from be really really sad missing my kids.

I decided to go hiking with B, I suppose he would be classified as an ex but it never has felt that way. We are just really good friends. We went up to the caves in our local mountain. Turns out this time of year there is still snow on the mountain...seriously who knew? I would have expected a few little patches here and there, oh no! not even close, there was about 10 feet of snow. We couldn't even make it to the parking lot near the caves, had to park about two miles down the mountain and trek it up.

Let me be the first to tell you that walking along the top of a snow drift is not as easy as it sounds. I fell in so many times, oh and I didn't realize that it would be like that so I wore shorts. cold cold cold. Once we finally got to the cave it was really nice and a great hike although walking back sucked just as much as walking up. B was just about as miserable as I was but tried to be tough in his I'm a man kinda way. It was a great trip though all in all.

I think R is finally going to come over tonight! I need some serious action. It has been like a week, after not having sex for so long and then getting it all the time its like the carpet got pulled out from under me. Wish me luck on getting some!

bored.

So I think I'm gonna die...haven't had anything to post about in forever, which means I haven't been getting any action in a while. My old man hurt his back, made me realize really quick that we have a rather large age gap. Kinda funny though. We have still been chatting which is nice but nothing exciting like before.

Spring break sucks

Stupid gets my kids for the week starting today. This is going to be by far the longest I have ever been away from them. Hopefully the week goes fast, I know he won't let me speak to them at all. Everything him is about power not about what is best for the kids. I really don't think he has any interest in spending time with the girls at all just wants to piss me off by taking them when he can.

I have basically convinced #1 that she will have a good time but #2 hates him and really does not want to go. The scream and cry the whole hour car drive up there and never want me to leave. I hate that it has to be so hard. If he wasn't such a dick he could just have a normal relationship with the kids and be a parent.

Feeling cheap

So after last night I thought I was sure to get some hang out time with R. But oddly he was a no show. Has happened a couple times, but then I knew he had things to do. Last night was a nothing to do no show, no call. Probably honestly good for me to snap me back into check. I need to stop fantasizing that this having a man be as amazingly sweet to me as R typically is is not the norm. I did get a text this morning and a little conversation apologizing for flaking out and I kinda just decided to brush it off. I want to make sure that I am  not going to get used to requiring explanation, I am not the girl friend I don't need any reason why plans didn't work out.

Right? If so then why do I have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach screaming up at me saying girl you are a fool he really just likes to bang you when it is convenient. Feeling a tad cheap and not sure if I have the right to or if I am starting to invest myself more than I should. Might need to tone this back a little just to keep control.

Book club

My fabulous ladies night out! Love love it. I have never had very many girl friends before so joining into this group of amazing ladies is a tremendous blessing. I have learned so much from them about how normal relationships are and what is and is not okay. We discuss things that are deeply personal in a way that is therapeutic and freeing. Oh and we also read books, I read an insane amount on my own but monthly we pick and read then discuss a book it is interesting to see the different things that we all get out of them. Most of these women are teachers or staff assistants at the high school I attended, only one was there when I was a student which was a little interesting to realize at first. It is awesome to be able to discuss and share my passion for reading and analyzing novels with others.

oh and while I was there I got a lovely pic from R....guess we know what I am gonna do tonight...grinning like an idiot right now...

Calendar

Way back when I used to be hot. Like really hot, and I did some modeling. Scantily clad draped over a sexy car little calendars for a couple years, and one motorcycle. It was a really fun little project that really brought me out of my shyness. Never really expected it to come back and bite me in the ass later.

The man that took the photographs came into my work to get Lasik, recognized me instantly, which was a tad of an ego boost. But then brought in copies of the calendar to show people at my office. Completely and utterly mortified. I have no qualms with sharing the pictures they are not that bad but not something I want to be shown around my work.

Review

At 26 I think I have finally learned a few things about what I want in life. Being divorced at a young age was not something I expected to happen to me, I always knew I would have kids young but going at it alone never crossed my mind. I think deep down I knew the day I got married that it was not ever going to work, all I wanted to do was run away but I was too scared of S to dare try. The thing with controlling relationships is that you never realize how all consuming they are until after you are out of them. Looking back now I want to slap the shit out of my dreamy eyed 19 year old self, just tell my teen heart that you deserve better, you are worth more than this, you have value even if he says you don't.

My new mantra in life is I am worthy. I am trying to gradually reprogram my mind and soul to realize that the damage he did can be scraped away it just takes a little turpentine and a serious scraper with some elbow grease. I can do this. Having someone tell you constantly for five years that you hold no value, you hold them back, you are not worthy, you are ugly and uninspiring takes a toll. It all started so gradually I never realized the extent of his mental control over me until I had a guy look me directly in the eye and tell me I have value and that he thinks I am attractive. Now the challenge is picking up the broken pieces and making something whole. 

The failure of my marriage began immediately after it began. Once I changed my last name to his I was no longer a person I was a possession. He began to sink in his claws and demanded that I quit my job and devote my time toward making a home for us. At first that sounded like a dream, however I quickly learned that all he really wanted was to alienate me from the outside world. Once I was married in the entire five years, aside from two weeks when we tried for #2, we had sex less than twenty times. I disgusted him, no matter what I tried to do to make him happy, turn him on, get his attention nothing worked. On those rare occasions that we did hook up I was only allowed to do it missionary, no noise making, no moving and over as quickly as possible. I know that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but that is a great example of how our life was. 

Awful. 

Now I know I can have more than that. And I want more than that. 

Battle Royal Continues

Court today went amazingly for me. S is a moron and the judge all but told him that in open court. I loved it. He filed papers against me trying to have me found in contempt of court for not allowing him to see the children. Upon coming back from deployment he didn't even call the kids for over a week, and then I had to force him to see them for dinner let alone anything else. Somehow that means I am withholding the children from him. At least the court system can see threw his wide array of bullshit. The only thing they did was change the drop off time from 3:30 to 5:30 because #1 is in school now. I don't see why we had to go to court just for that but he thinks it is fun to battle with me.  I was also awarded attorneys fees which was a pleasant surprise. The only down side is the judge said since we don't have a final parenting plan in place that we would start this year alternating spring break with the kids and since he has been gone on deployment he gets to have them for the week this year. Going to be a long awful week for my poor children.

Success

Finally had an exchange of children with S that did not involve yelling, screaming, slapping, threatening or any other shenanigans that S and Sk can come up with. Finally things may start to be more civil and we can move past the hostility and have a normal discussion about the children without the normal craziness.

Here's to hoping that it gets better.

oscar

I got a puppy! well I haven't got him yet but I picked him out! So excited

Jays

I am not a club girl...I am not a club girl. I am not a club girl...why oh why did I agree to go to a club. yuck

I just want to go home. Completely trashed and wasted, texted a picture of me in a compromising position from the bathroom to R. He loved it, wants to come over when I get home. Sucks that the friend I came with is insistent on closing down the bar. I quickly remember why we don't often hang out.

.....................

Continued...

Three am visits are amazing. Holy hell batman skanky pictures and teasing texts and sultry voice quickie phone calls really get R going. No need for the pre-game this time just fantastic drunken fumbling and frisking.

Interesting email....

Historical update to this post.....

S cheated on me with about 12 different women during the course of our marriage, one of those women was L, she ended up pregnant. She is sort of a whore and was unsure if the baby was her husbands, S's, her boyfriends or one other guy's. So at the time I didn't give it much thought at all. After each DNA test she was able to tick off one of the possibilities as to the paternity of her child. I think after the first two she got a group discount at the testing office.  Oh and L's baby is only a couple months younger than #2.

Enough history...

So L emailed me today asking about S's family history. So apparently the DNA test that he did while he was deployed came back he is the lucky winner of that paternity nightmare. I really don't know what is the right thing to do in this situation. I suppose I should be more prepared given that I knew about all of his extra-marital affairs. I am at a loss. Obviously S has not been cooperative with her at all, in her email she also asked for his rank, unit, base and SSN. So she is looking to go after him for support. Given his lack of relationship with my children whom he actually has met I don't see him being involved much with this child either.

Other than just information L wants our children to meet and be able to keep in contact as they grow up. I am not sure at this point that would be healthy for my girls. They still have so many issues with their gather and his lack of relationship with them so bringing in another complication to that equation seems like it would be putting them on overload. What to do? Is it even acceptable for L and I to be talking? Will this further shake my already unstable correspondence with S?

Perfection

Life is perfect. Finally on a good routine with S and our exchanges with the children should start going more smoothly. We had a decent conversation and I think he is starting to realize that things would be better for the kids if we could be civil. Letting them see us fight is not healthy especially for #1 she really hates feeling torn between her devotion to me as her mother and wanting to have fun at S's house. He is still less than involved with the girls when they go up there but at least they are not screaming crying the whole way up.

oops I did it again...

Round two is by far my favorite round ever! Bliss! Leg shaking, earth moving, hot and sweaty amazingness! Even thinking about it to write down makes me want to do it again. Who would have thought the way to enjoy a hook up would be to do it with a guy that is completely and totally inappropriate. I suppose I have not gone into all the reasons that this is a bad idea. And dear readers I don't want you to be staring at your screen mouth open saying wow this girl has lost it. But lets go over the three basics to why R and I could never ever move beyond the stage we are in....
   - He has went to elementary school with my father
   - I went to high school with his daughter
   - And he is 21 years older than me
Aside from those crucial issues there is more, we have a pretty clear group of overlapping friends, go to the same family bbq's and softball games. That sort of thing. Oh and he recently broke it off with the moronic girl he was engaged to. Yes, yes I know I have totally lost my mind. But R is so nice, is it really so wrong to just sit back and enjoy someone actually being sweet and respectful of me.

Sleeping all night

Finally able to sleep in my new place without worrying about every little sound. Which is especially tricky since I like to sleep with the window open. The girls adjusted immediately, they are still on the same routine and everything is going great. #2's allergies are so much better with the brand new carpet here, her entire quality of life has improved. #1 is so happy she loves having all her own space and they both keep asking for a dog. That may happen sooner than I had anticipated just so I have something here when they have to go up to visit S every other weekend.

So it happened....

Well against my better judgement. I did it. It was good just a little awkward, first time kinda thing. I was insanely nervous. Maybe this will be a good thing and actually help my insecurities. To have someone be nice to be is a refreshing change. Crazy how one little difference in a letter between S and R can make such a huge difference in personality! I think I am so funny!

S was always really controlling, big shocker right. Army guy wanting to control every little situation, on the rare occasion he would actually want to have sex it was only ever on his own terms. During the course of our five year marriage, aside from when we tried to get pregnant with #2, we had sex maybe 15 times. All of those times were less than about five minutes, and only all about him. Doing this with R was really nice, he was totally considerate and didn't make me uncomfortable at all.

reign it in!

Something is seriously wrong in my ability to reason and behave rationally.  I bought condoms yesterday, first time ever, and I sent him a picture....why? I have no idea.

I have never behaved this way before. I know it has been a long time since I got any attention but this  outcry for attention is  utterly ridiculous and needs to be reigned in. I never do anything crazy or without thinking first but something has changed. Just not sure how to deal with the changes.

Oh and to no surprise R didn't come over after that. Probably for the best.

Researching a protection order

Apparently things only go smoothly when a chaperone is present. Nothing new just the usual threats,intimidation  and yelling. Deep down I know there is nothing he can do to take them away from me but it still hurts to have to deal with it all. Can't he just grow up and realize we will have to be a part of each others lives for the next 15 years wether we like it or not.

They are gone.

The first weekend with no kids in the new house. I don't know what to do at all. I am filled with an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I miss them so much and I cannot even speak with them when they are with S. Two more days till everything is back to normal. Here's to hoping evertyhing goes more smoothly at the pick up Sunday. I hate that he is so unpredictable and hostile. Honestly it may be best to have someone come with me everytime just to chaperone our exchanges. I hate feeling like I need protection from him still, shouldn't I be free of all this already? Wasn't that the point of the divorce?

Crap, crap, crap...will I ever learn

So option R has presented itself. After talking it over with friends I think I am gonna go for it. We talked a little and he is just as damaged as I am so there is no reason to worry about him getting attached. I swear if he gets all sappy on me and ends up telling me he loves me I am gonna freak out. Someday a man will tell me he loves me and mean it, but that is not allowed to happen until I am ready. That time is not now.

Anyways...I got a little action. More like gave a little action, but it was all fine and well. I actually enjoyed being able to tease and play. Not sure if it was a good idea or not. But there is a certain power in being able to control a situation and be wanted. I have not had a guy actually be responsive in that way to me since I was a teenager. So entirely too long. It really wasn't all bad, not like we hooked up first time, well I guess third time because we have met up for drinks twice before also. Now it is time to decide if I can do this without it having the possibility of being in a relationship. I have never really gone down this road before. I have hooked up with ex's but that was always under the pretense of exploring getting together again. With R neither of us want that, but I really want the other parts.

Is it really worth throwing out my self respect for a half hour of fun? Self esteem is a fickle thing and I have only just began to rebuild it. I am finally to a place where I can be happy in some small way and I need to be able to keep that intact.

I cant help but thinking that this may be a good opportunity to explore new things and grow withoutcompromising  myself by being in another crappy relationship.

Oh holy quiet....

It has been so ling since I have lived alone. Once the girls are in bed I don't know what to do with myself. I have even run out of things to clean and unpack. Here's to hoping I can become immune to the silence.

Dating still feels like it would be a wasted effort. I don't currently have the focus or energy to put into maintaining a man. I hate to admit it but there are things I miss from being attached. Aside from the insane fighting and creepy all controlling aspect that accompanies relationships. I miss kissing, the passion and feeling butterflies in my stomach. I have met someone who seems to be an unconventional solution to that problem. Although the solution is also very unsuitable and probably not a great choice. Given the scope of relationships I have been in over the last six years I know I am in no place to begin something real, but being an adult now would it be completely wrong to just have a friend to play with? Or should I wait to see if I find someone more suitable than the option I see currently? I suppose it never hurt anyone to explore options, lets call it option R...only time will tell.

starting anew

Finally I have come to the point in life where it is time to move on and say goodby to who I once was. The new goal is to be content. Happiness will come eventually but being content is going to be an uphill climb, one mountain at a time. After a long twenty months of living with my praents following my divorce its timem to awaken from the coccoon of myself and reexperience life.

This is my first night in my new place, an average two bedroom townhouse that will let me have some measure of freedom and normalcy.