So option R has presented itself. After talking it over with friends I think I am gonna go for it. We talked a little and he is just as damaged as I am so there is no reason to worry about him getting attached. I swear if he gets all sappy on me and ends up telling me he loves me I am gonna freak out. Someday a man will tell me he loves me and mean it, but that is not allowed to happen until I am ready. That time is not now.
Anyways...I got a little action. More like gave a little action, but it was all fine and well. I actually enjoyed being able to tease and play. Not sure if it was a good idea or not. But there is a certain power in being able to control a situation and be wanted. I have not had a guy actually be responsive in that way to me since I was a teenager. So entirely too long. It really wasn't all bad, not like we hooked up first time, well I guess third time because we have met up for drinks twice before also. Now it is time to decide if I can do this without it having the possibility of being in a relationship. I have never really gone down this road before. I have hooked up with ex's but that was always under the pretense of exploring getting together again. With R neither of us want that, but I really want the other parts.
Is it really worth throwing out my self respect for a half hour of fun? Self esteem is a fickle thing and I have only just began to rebuild it. I am finally to a place where I can be happy in some small way and I need to be able to keep that intact.
I cant help but thinking that this may be a good opportunity to explore new things and grow withoutcompromising myself by being in another crappy relationship.
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